I know, I'm a bit young to be even blogging about this, but let's not make it about me--what about you? I like to hear stories about everyone's life and their opinions, so let's get started! :D
Before you read this, answer these following questions with consideration:
1. Do you really know yourself? 2. Do you know what you want in life? 3. Do you do things for others, or for yourself?
Imagine:
It's the day of your wedding. Your grip on your bouquet between your gloved fingers become a bit shaky, or you're by the altar, your eyes fixated on the only woman in the room--the only woman in the universe. The moment your eyes meet, you finally realize, "I'm leaving my past behind. I'm going to start a new beginning with this person, my love--my life." As the two of you meet, what are you thinking?
Remember that moment of cold feet you had a couple days, weeks, or months ago?
Were you really just nervous?
Or is there really more to life than this?
Are you really the one for him/her?
Is s/he the one for you?
I'm sure that these questions are internally asked quite often. They don't have to be for your wedding, but what about even starting a relationship? Engagement?
What was your inspiration to be with that person?
How sure were you about being with him/her?
Considering your growth in past relationships, do you think this one will go somewhere?
"There's a thing we call
heartbreak,
but I don't think
my heart's ever let me down
my heart's never let me down
But I still cry 'cause I can't always have it my way
And sometimes crying can help you out
Sing it aloud, Sing it aloud
And scream
shred your lungs
I need to hear you louder now
And sing
as if you'll never sing again
And when the morning comes
and your throat is sore
you'll face the day like you did before,
with a smile on in the end"
- "Written At a Reststop," Ronnie Day
Today I really listened to this song. I sat where I am now, and I scrolled
through the purposely enlarged words, fixated on each one, for he sings the
truth.
Inevitably, tomorrow comes.
You either move or you stay.
But the world will not wait for you.
And when you make that decision,
You
remain.
Or you free fall into what we call heartbreak.
And either way,
It'll turn out all right.
And
you'll smile
In the end.
I've been through this many times--you will never see me in a way I dream of. I
reflect it on myself: I persuade, chant, and plead myself to let go.
And I can't.
I won't.
Because
whenever I see you, there's always that smile on your face--the one that could
possibly belong to me. And whenever we talk about your life, and how you think
your life is so broken, I want to stay by your side until you use me up.
Until I come home one day, feeling like I've had an impact
on your life.
Until my heart carries all your burden.
Until you forget all your worries.
Until you forget me.
But you call back.
And
I don't know what to do when you give me that look of loneliness, except to
hold your hand and smile for you. I have to help you. It's not a job. It's a
calling. Maybe a year ago, I probably would have asked for something in
return--your affection, a relationship--but none of that matters anymore.
I remember the day you called me, and when you sobbed that you had no hope for
a real family, I clutched my phone, as if it were your hand, and I wanted to
say I was there. But I kept silent. And you apologized over and over again for
calling me. Honestly, it was a big deal. I've never seen or heard you cry until
then. But I loved every second of it, because I was the one you called. Me. And it probably sounds conceited, but when you’ve always
thought you were the last person someone would ever talk to, you’d probably
feel the same way.
And when you don’t need my help
I’m crushed.
I’m angry.
I’m lonely.
I
give you space, but you just keep trying to make me laugh it off, like it’s
amusing to you. I hate that side of you—the one who always makes me feel
insignificant. But when you’re in front of me, I can’t help but think you’re
perfect. And I really hate you for that.
I
don’t know who I am anymore.
You’ve
changed me drastically.
It
affects my other friendships.
I don’t know what to do.
And it’s not like you’ll help.
Since I’m always the one
Who helps you.
But whenever that day comes
When you realize I need help
And not some joke to laugh to
I’ll still help you no matter what.
I’ll still feel
Wanted.
Needed.
Used.
And ignored.
I’ll
never mean anything to you, but I will not cut my heart string that you dangle
from. You’re a part of me—friend or foe—and I want you to stay in my life.
So, today I was supposed to take the ACCU Placement math test to see if I'm eligible for dual enrollment. If I passed, I wouldn't have to take math again--which is not something I will let slip away.
We had a half-day today, and after school I stood with my friends, waiting for my bus. Not once did I consider going to the media center to take that test. I called my mom because I was tired for waiting for the bus, so she picked me up, and while she was driving home, I vented about Erin ignoring me the whole day for some (most likely, it was unreasonable) reason. It's probably about me dropping. Okay. That is reasonable, I guess. =/ Anywho, I finally arrive, and I decide to walk my dog. While I was walking in the hot, blistering sun of Arizona, I think, Is there anything but English and APUSH I have to do today?
And it hits me.
MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATH!!!
I ran home, my dog far ahead of me and running, too. I checked the clock. 1:00.
An hour after I've already got home.
Oh my God.
I talked to my mom, and because she's the greatest mother in the world, she drove me to a community college to take the test.
So, let's talk about the test, shall we?
There were directions, of course. I read them. Sure, easy enough. Then I click on the sample questions. I stare at them. I bang my head a few times on the computer desk.
What was that formula for finding the 23 nth term? How did we find the radius of a circle? I'm going to die.
After my fit, I took a deep breath and took 1 hour, 2 minutes, and 9 seconds on the 20 question test.
Well, I passed.
Doesn't that matter? =]
The passing score was 23.
I got a 62. Now, I'm really bragging, hahah.
So now I don't have to take math in college, ever again. :D
I've been in school for more than a month now. I hate it. Would you like to see my schedule?
5:00 am - 6:00 am;; Get ready for school. 6:00 am - 7:00 am;; Walk the dog and clean the house. (I know, it's weird cleaning the house in the morning, but my mom gets home an hour after me, and we usually leave dishes in the sink. She doesn't like that.) 7:00 am - 3:30 pm;; School. Horrid school. 3:30 pm - 4:00 pm;; Take a shower and prepare for homework. 5:00 pm - Whenever I sleep;; Homework.
I do not have a social life whatsoever. As you can see, I go to school, and then I come home...and basically go to school again. I'm sure that people are finding this irrational and thinking, "Oh, really. This girl is probably a procrastinator and is only complaining of the little work she can't even get done." I am not a procrastinator. I have a planner, I follow it, and let me tell you--there is no room for anything but homework.
My school schedule: 1st. Aspire to Teach - It's an amazing class. I love it. I don't mind the homework. 2nd. AP US History 3rd. Accel Pre-Calculus - We have homework everyday, but it's a reasonable amount. 4th. Accel Physics - I have a lot of class time to finish everything. 5th. Lunch 6th. Vocal Ensemble - Well there's not really any homework, since it's choir, but we skip school to go to vocal festivals and such, and being in all these advanced classes bombards me with homework. 7th. Accel English - Not so much homework. I like English, so it's not a problem.
Honestly, I love my schedule. I like all my classes, and I've always been a fast learner, so I'm not struggling in anything. The one problem is AP US History, which is why I skipped an explanation. I'd rather rant about it.
Last year, my Sophomore world history teacher explained to us that we would be having a summer assignment for APUSH. I wasn't surprised, since I'm used to summer assignments, but when I looked at the packet--Dear Lord God Almighty. First of all, we had to read and annotate the first three chapters of our history book, which is around 100 pages, and let me tell you. It's size EIGHT font. SIZE EIGHT. My eyes strained after a few hours of reading.
Oh, who doesn't know what an annotation is?It's taking notes.
Process of making annotations: 1. Read a passage of the history book. 2. Take a sticky tab/post-it note and write down the "important ideas" 3. Place in a spiral notebook and properly label the sections using the Harvard outline.
Clear enough? Okay, let's move on.
After doing those annotations, we annotate that. Then, at the end of the chapter, which is usually about 30 pages, you write a conclusion. And after that, I have to answer around 15 reading questions in 5-7 sentences.
For my summer assignment, we also had a study guide to complete. For the first three chapters, there were 8 essays I had to write, and an overall 140 terms I had to describe historical significance for in the minimum of 5 sentences. I did all of it by my self, and I was seriously a hermit for a couple of weeks.
So, on the first day of school, my history teacher says that he's "going to try something different than last year, and instead of posting individual study guides, each student will be assigned to a particular amount of the study guide and contribute their work to the rest of the class."
That's it.
One of my months of summer--gone.
Don't get me wrong, annotating wasn't that bad--it was the study guides that irked me and stole my time away.
Anywho.
Every week we do a chapter, and on the following Monday, we take a quiz in the computer lab on it. It's open note, yeah sure. But when you were taught to not memorize in your previous history class and to learn concepts, it becomes more difficult to remember an specific author's opinion on slavery, and I am not the only one who thinks that. I mean, seriously. I'm in high school. Not everyone is majoring in college, so why are we learning so many specifics when we should be learning the concepts? I'll go further into that...
So there is roughly thirty-four chapters in the whole book, and we're trying to finish the whole book by the end of the year--and when you put it that way, doing a chapter per week is reasonable enough. The study guides aren't that bad now, since you're not doing 140 terms by yourself. Now it's only 3, or you have to write an essay.
What do we do in class? We review. That's it. We watch videos and take notes on something we have already annotated. And it's not the current chapter we review--no. It's two chapters before hand--nothing to help us pass any quizzes or anything. After that, he asks us if we have questions, and when we do he lectures for 20 minutes.
I remember one day, I asked, "So, the Seven Year War is the same thing as the French and Indian War?"
HE LECTURED FOR A WHOLE THIRTY MINUTES.
The bell rang, but he still kept going. After two minutes, his last sentence was, "Yes, it was the same thing."
Fortunately, my class was close enough that I could just walk a little faster than I normally do.
His lecturing is so bad, people. He gets off topic, and I don't like it. We don't even have class time to ask about anything on the current chapters we're reading! Basically, we're just wasting an hour in there, and outside of class, we're annotating like a hermit in our rooms.
You know, yesterday, I actually got to sit down next to my mom and have a nice conversation about her while I ate a muffin.
How sad is that? I can't even spend time with my two year old niece.
Anyway, I really want to drop this class. I don't have the need to be valedictorian, I have a full ride tuition to college already since I got the AZ Board Scholarship, and my parents are also complaining about me never seeing them. I'm not scared of not passing that class. I'm sure I can. But I don't want to pass if I can't even have an hour to myself. This doesn't even feel like high school anymore. I don't want to hate school like this. =/
What's more, is that I don't even want to risk joining a sport, since I'm already packed with time! I really wanted to join tennis and badminton this year, but I've heard that APUSH would kill you if you even think of taking a sport. Sigh. I mean, I don't even learn anymore--I'm more worried of getting the stuff done.
Here's what my friend has to say about history:
"
I have not posted a blog in an effing long time.
I tried two times in a row but the window got closed out both times... I was frustrated...
Not like I had much to say.
Nothing has been going on in my life lately. All it is is school, pom, and history.
Yep.
No math, English, or science. My life centers around getting my history
done. Annotating, annotating, and more annotating... the whole friggin'
book... all thirty-four chapters..."
See? :)
It also bothers me that teachers use AP classes as a scare tactic for college.
"AP classes will prepare you for college, and you will graduate."
I have friends and family who haven't taken any AP classes in their life, and they still graduate college--my cousin even got her Master's degree. Honestly, I believe that AP classes will open doors for you, but you don't have to have so many doors; moreover APUSH is a class I can take as a regular class. How is that going to effect me in the future? Well, if worst comes to worst, I'd have to take that class again, and I probably won't plan on it.
I want reasons to stay in that class. I want a fun experience in high school--not sitting in my room all the time. It doesn't help when your teacher tells you that you'll pass the AP Exam with a 1 (the lowest score), and you'll be lucky if you get a 2. Nice high expectations there...
